“Hi.” I pause, tracing the letters of my beloved’s gravestone.
Something has left my life,
And I don’t know where it went to
Oh Goddess, I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I can face you, Tara. I don’t know if I can face myself. Something’s gone…you’re gone. But it’s more, more than that. Something inside me is gone, and I don’t know if it’s ever going to return. I know you’re here, somewhere, watching over me…but I can’t help question why.
Somebody caused my strife
And it’s not what I was seeking
I’ve only been back in Sunnydale a little while, Tara. Just a few days really. The first time since…well, since that day. Oh God, I can’t do this! All I see when I close my eyes is an endless replay of the final moments of your life. Your shirt, you said. Your shirt. And then you collapsed. My world…my world collapsed.
Didn’t you see me? didn’t you hear me?
Didn’t you see me standing there?
I tried everything, baby. I wanted you back so badly, I’d do anything. I did do anything, and everything. Oh God, Tara! I called on Osiris…but he refused. He saw me there, broken, in anguish over your lifeless body. The only thoughts going through my mind were that you had to come back, you couldn’t leave me. I’d just found you again…my Tara, my reason, my all. But he refused. You died by human means, he said. Just how human is it to have your heart pierced by a piece of metal, knowing nothing but the happiness surrounding you, and then having it taken away in an instant…snatched back in a cruel game of the Fates.
Why did you turn out the lights?
Did you know that I was sleeping?
I’ve been in England for several months, Tara. Of course, you knew that. I felt you there the entire time. But I still don’t know why? Part of me knows that you’re always going to be there for me, no matter what. You were even there, your aura around me, after what I did to you. To your mind. And I know you’re here with me now, in spite of all that I did. I felt your energy surrounding me as I worked with the Coven, helping me, guiding me. I still feel it now, as I work my way toward facing reality. But, there’s another part of me that thinks you just need to run, Tara. Never look back. That part that knows I don’t deserve your guidance, your help…your love. All that I know is that I can feel you here, now, as I talk to you…whether I deserve you or not.
I let my guard down, baby…that day. I was just so happy! I had my Tara back, fully and completely…in every way. There we were, getting dressed, ready to spend the day together. The second day of our future. Nothing could go wrong. I had my Tara back.
I’m so sorry, Tara! I never heard the commotion going on outside. If I had only paid attention…listened to the sounds. Maybe, just maybe you’d be here now. Maybe, just maybe. It’s funny…as I say those words, I can hear you now telling me that I couldn’t have stopped it. I want to believe that baby, I really do.
But, I didn’t stop it. And, I couldn’t stop my own grief. Instead, I tried to stop the world.
Say a prayer for me
Help me to feel the strength I did
My identity, has it been taken
Is my heart breaking on me
Who am I, Tara? I thought I used to know. I was one of the good guys…a white hat. I was ‘research-gal.’ You and I were ‘spell-gals.’ What happened? Where did it all go wrong? God, why am I even asking you that. We both know where it went wrong…it’s called me.
Who am I, Tara? Should I be the powerful, confident Wiccan, ready to help my friends? Ready to help Buffy, Xander, and Dawn fight this new evil…whatever it is? Am I back to the shy hacker…the girl who could crack a firewall in five seconds, but take five minutes to utter a sentence? Or am I really the jet-black, veiny, juiced-up freak hellbent on making everyone else feel what she feels?
I just don’t know, Tara. I just don’t know.
All my plans fell through my hands,
They fell through my hands on me
All I do know is that everything I ever wanted is gone. Vanished. Taken away. We had it all within our grasps and now nothing. No more birthdays. No more holidays. No more trips to the beach, basking in the warmth of the sun…basking in the warmth of you. One of my cherished memories of us, Tara, was simply waking up with you in my arms, on a cool fall morning, wrapped up in our comforter and each other. Now, that will never be again.
I had such ideas for us, Tara. I never told you. There were so many things I wanted us to do. So many places I wanted us to go. But that one jagged piece of metal changed all that, in an instant.
In my dreams it suddenly seems
I don’t have any dreams anymore. They all slipped away, as your life did that day. I just hope that you can forgive me, Tara. I regret, with all my heart, all the destruction I caused. The lives I took. The disappointment I caused…in you. I just pray that one day I’ll be worthy again of your love. I will always love you, Tara. Never doubt that.
The dreams I used to have, for you, for me, for us…they’re not nightmares now. They’re nothing. They just slipped away. As did a part of me. I sometimes think that part of me was all that kept me good…that kept me whole. I want to believe I’ll never again be the person I became that day. I want to…but that part of me is hollow. There’s nothing to fill it. It’s just…