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Ashamed


by Karen U.
Willow lay quietly in bed, her back to the man next to her as she wept silently.

{ We’ve fumbled and flirted
Whispered and kissed
Brushing the surface of each other’s lips }

She hadn’t meant for this to happen. It had just been friendship at first; two lonely people just hanging out and talking. But then, one night that now seemed so longed ago, he had kissed her, and things had just progressed from there.

{ We’ve sparred in a circle
But if you ever bled
I never asked so you never said }

She wished she could take it back. She wished that she could just turn back time and make that first time, that first indiscretion, just go away. Their first time together, when they had both been more than a little drunk, more than a little lonely... She had woken up the next morning with a headache and a new lover.

{ There’s words in my heart you don’t want to hear
It’s not the end but I see it from here }

They had agreed to keep what had happened a secret. No one would ever know, so there would be no possibility of anyone ever getting hurt by what they had done.

What they still continued to do.

{ And it’s over before it’s begun
Why can’t you be the one }

He actually had a girlfriend now. A real, go out to parties with girlfriend, not just someone he was with in the darkness of a motel room. He had a wonderful, terrific girlfriend that had absolutely no idea that he was sleeping with someone else. She had no idea that her seemingly perfect boyfriend had been cheating in her from the beginning.

{ A dream that will never come true
A blue tattoo }

The guilt that Willow felt over the situation was overwhelming. She remembered how she had felt when she found Oz with Veruca... hurt... betrayed... angry.

But even so, she still continued to sleep with another woman’s boyfriend... because she had fallen in love with him.

{ I nearly made it, I almost got in
Crawled in your crawl space, breathed in your skin }

Early on, she had thought she had a chance; she had actually had hope that he would fall in love with her, that, one day, he would open his eyes and see that she was all that he needed, but he had dashed those hopes quickly.

And now she had no hope left.

Yet she still kept coming back.

{ You drew the blueprint, you drew the line
You stay on your side, I stay on mine }

She could clearly remember the day a few months earlier when he had come to the motel where they always met, practically bursting with the news that the girl of his dreams had agreed to go out with him. Upon hearing that devastating news, Willow had stood up and gathered her things, preparing to go.

And he had asked her why she was leaving.

{ I saw the signs on this crooked mile
One-way believer, dead-end smile }

He had insisted that things didn’t have to change; they could still meet twice a week. No one had ever been told about them, so there wasn’t any problem; no one would get hurt because of what they were doing. So she had listened to his arguments, and she had stayed.

And she hated herself for it.

{ Call me a quitter, call it a game
You’re still a stranger and I’m just ashamed }

She had to put a stop to it. She had to end it, there was no question about that. If she didn’t, she would never be able to look at herself in the mirror again; she would never be able to face her friends. How could she ever explain this to them?

How could she explain it to herself?

She had thought she knew him, but now she knew she had been fooled. The man she had known would have never done this. He was too solid; he had too much integrity. The man she had known was not the man in bed with her. The man in bed with her was a stranger to her.

And she couldn’t sleep with a stranger, not any longer.

{I’m going, I’m going, I just don’t know when
I’ll wait ‘til tomorrow and think about it then }

Willow turned over in bed and gazed at the man beside her. He looked so at peace, so content, as if everything was right in his world. How could he be so content in the midst of all her turmoil? The redhead shook her head sadly, knowing that she couldn’t just wake him up and tell him her decision. She knew he would argue with her, and right now she was simply too tired to resist his persuasion.

She’d tell him tomorrow, when she was more rested.

{ I still think you’re closer than you appear
I’ll look in my mirror as I’m steering clear }

Sighing softly, Willow closed her eyes and allowed herself to be lulled to sleep by the steady sound of Riley Finn’s breathing.


End.
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The authors own nothing. Joss, UPN, WB, etc. own Buffy, the show, the characters, the places, and the backstory. The authors own any original plots.