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Willowisms


Willow quotes, by season.




Season 1 

Giles: Why should someone want to harm Cordelia?
Willow: Maybe because they met her? Did I say that?
- "Witch" 


Willow: Yeah! You're the Slayer, and we're, like, the Slayerettes! 
- "Witch" 


Giles: The She-mantis assumes the form of a beautiful woman and lures innocent virgins back to her nest.
Buffy: Well, Xander's not a... I mean, he's probably...
Willow: Going to die!
- "Teacher's Pet" 


Willow: I don't like spiders, okay? Their furry bodies, and their sticky webs, and what do they need all those legs for anyway? I'll tell you: for crawling across your face in the middle of the night. Ewww! How do they not ruffle you? 
- "Nightmares" 


Willow: Even I was bored. And I'm a science nerd.
Buffy: Don't say that.
Willow: I'm not ashamed. It's the computer age. Nerds are in. They're still in, right? 
- "Prophecy Girl" 


Season 2 

Willow: That's what it was! I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?
Giles: Willow, I think we're all a little too old to be spelling things out.
Xander: A bitca? 
- "When She Was Bad" 


Willow: This shouldn't take long. I'm probably the only girl in school who has the coroner's office bookmarked as a favorite place. 
- "Some Assembly Required" 


Willow: Love makes you do the wacky
- "Some Assembly Required" 


Xander: Sheila's definitely intense. That guy with her? That's the guy she can bring home to mother.
Willow: She was already smoking in fifth grade. Once I was lookout for her
Xander: You're bad to the bone.
Willow: I'm a rebel.
- "School Hard" 


Xander: Okay, no shirts with ruffles, no hats with feathers and definitely no lederhosen. They make my calves look fat.
Willow: Why are you suddenly so worried about looking like an idiot? That came out wrong. 
- "Inca Mummy Girl" 


Willow: I know--we could go to the Bronze, sneak in our own tea bags, and ask for hot water.
Xander: Hop off the outlaw train, Will, before you land us all in jail.
- "Reptile Boy" 


Willow: Well... Well, why do you think she went to that party? Because you gave her the brush-off! And you, you never let her do anything except work and patrol! And I know she's the Chosen One, but you're killing her with the pressure! I mean, she's sixteen going on forty! And you! I mean, you're gonna live forever! You don't have time for a cup of coffee?! Okay, I don't feel better now, and we've gotta help Buffy. 
- "Reptile Boy" 


Willow: True. It's too bad we can't sneak a look at the Watcher diaries and read up on Angel. I'm sure it's full of fun facts to know and tell.
Buffy: Yeah. It's too bad. That stuff is private.
Willow: Also Giles keeps them in his office. In his personal files.
- "Halloween" 


Willow: Oh, I don't get wild. Wild on me equals spaz. 
- "Halloween" 


Angel: I-if this is a bad time, I...
Willow: No! I just... I'm not supposed to have boys in my room.
Angel: I promise to behave myself.
Willow: Okay. Good. 
- "Lie to Me" 


Willow: I mean, have you ever looked at thumbs and gone "Wow! Thoses babies are sore."
Xander: You have too many thoughts
- "Lie to Me" 


Buffy: " Will, have you been drinking coffee, cause we talked about this. " 
- "Lie To Me" 


Angel: I want you to track someone down. On the 'Net.
Willow: Oh! Great! I'm so the 'Net girl. 
- "Lie to Me" 


Xander: Angel was in your bedroom?
Willow: Ours is a forbidden love.
- "Lie to Me" 


Willow: HEY! We don't have time for this! Our friends are in trouble! Now, we have to put our heads together and, and get them out of it! And if you two aren't with me a hundred and ten percent, then get the hell out of my library!
- "The Dark Age" 


Willow: Don't warn the tadpoles!
- "What's My Line? Part 1" 


Willow:A clean clown..I have my own fun. 
- "Ted" 


Xander: You gotta take care of the egg; it's a baby, gotta keep it safe and teach it Christian values. 
Willow: My egg is Jewish.
- "Bad Eggs" 


Willow: I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh, yeah: '1-800-I'm-Dating-A-Skanky-Ho.
Buffy: Me-ow!
Willow: Really? Thanks! I've never gotten a 'me-ow' before.
- "Phases" 



Willow: I mean, he said he was gonna' wait until I was ready, but...I'm ready, honest. I'm good to go, here.
- "Phases"



Willow: Three days out of the month I'm not much fun to be around either!
- "Phases" 


Willow: ...that they had... they had... you know... uh, you do know, right?
Giles: Oh, yes. Sorry
Willow: Oh, good. Because I just realized, you being a librarian and all, maybe you didn't know.
- "Passion" 


Willow: I swear, men can be such jerks sometimes...dead or alive.
- "Passion" 


Buffy: I'll fight [Angel]. If I have to, I'll kill him. But if I lose or I don't find him in time...Willow might be our only hope.
Willow: I don't want to be our only hope. I crumble under pressure. Let's have another hope.
- "Becoming, Part 1" 



Willow: There's no use arguing with me. Do you see my resolve face? You've seen it before, you know what it means.
- "Becoming, Part 2" 


Season 3 


Willow: Well, we try not to get killed. That's part of our whole mission statement. Don't get killed.
- "Anne" 



Cordelia: "I'm sure their just making out..." *Loud Bang* 
Faith: "Hey...!'
Willow: "That's not what making out sounds like...unless I'm doing it wrong..." 
- "Faith, Hope and Trick" 


Xander: No worries. I can handle the Oz full monty. [quickly] I mean--not handle, handle--like 'hands to the flesh' handle.
Willow: It's not you I'm worried about. It's me. I'm still getting used to half a monty.
- "Beauty and the Beasts" 


Willow: He saved me from a horrible flamey death. That sort of makes me like him again.
- Defending Angel in "Revelations" 



Willow: Now, now, hold on! I-I'll do your spell for you, and, and, and I'll get you Drusilla back, but, but there will be no bottle-in-face, and there will be no 'having' of any kind with me. Alright?
- "Lovers Walk" 



Vamp Willow: Bored now.
- "The Wish" 


Willow: I worship Beelzebub! I do his bidding! Do you see any goats arounds? No! Because I sacrificed them! All bow before SATAN!
Mrs. Rosenberg: Willow, please. I'm not listening to this.
Willow: Prince of Night, I summon you! Come fill me with your black, naughty evil!
- "Gingerbread" 



Faith: What are we gonna do with the trio here?
Buffy: We could burn 'em.
Willow: Oh, I brought marshmallows! (Everyone stares) Occasionally, I am callous and strange."
- "The Zeppo" 



Willow: That wasn't just a temporal fold, that was some weird Hell place. I don't think you're telling me everything.
Anya: I swear, I'm just trying to find my necklace.
Willow: Did you try looking inside the sofa in HELL?
- "Doppelgangland" 


Buffy: It was you, Willow, in every detail. Except for your not being a dominatrix...as far as wel know.
Willow: Oh, right. Me and Oz play Mistress of Pain every night. Please.
Xander: Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?
- "Doppelgangland" 


Evil Willow: This is a dumb world. In my world there are people in chains, and we can ride them like ponies.
- "Doppelgangland" 


Willow: It's horrible. That's me as a vampire? I mean, I'm so evil, so skanky [softly, to Buffy] and I think I'm kind of gay.
- "Doppelgangland" 


Willow: I eat danger for breakfast.
- "Choices" 


Willow: Arrr! This is so frustrating!
Oz: Nothing useful.
Willow: No, it's great. If we want to make ferns invisible or communicate with shrimp, I've got the goods right here.
Oz: Our lives are different than other peoples'.
- "Graduation Day: Part One" 


Harmony: I hope we don't lose touch.
Willow: no we'll hang out!
Harmony: Bye! (she leaves and Buffy approaches)
Willow: Oh, I'm gonna miss her.
Buffy: Don't you hate her?
Willow: (same affectionate tone) With a fiery veneance. She picked on me for ten years, the vacuous tramp.
- "Graduation Day: Part One" 


Season 4 


Willow: Buffy would never just take off. It's jsut not in her nature except that one time she disappeared for several months and changed her name but there were circumstances then.
- "The Freshman" 


Buffy: And what are we, if not women up to a challenge?
Willow: Exactly. Did we not put the 'grrr' in 'girl'?
- "Living Conditions" 


Willow: Yeah, well, so's your face! 


Willow: Drowning your troubles over Parker, the mind-frying man! He deserves a torturous and slow death by spider bites. [beat] well, for today, we'll just have to throw spit balls at the back of his neck in class.
- "Beer Bad" 


Willow: Why should I trust you?
Riley: I was just sort of hoping you'd think I have an honest face.
Willow: I've seen honest faces. They usually come attached to liars.
- "The Initiative" 


Willow: Then talk. Keep eye contact, funny is good, but don't be glib and remember: if you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel. [off Riley's look] A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend. Have fun!
- "The Initiative" 


Spike: Remember last year? you had on that fuzzy pink number with the lilac underneath...
Willow: I never would have guessed. You play the blood-lust kind of cool.
Spike: I hate being obvious. All fang-y and 'grrr.' Takes the mystery out.
- "The Initiative" 


Willow: The coroner's office said she was missing an ear. So, I'm thinking maybe we're looking for a witch. There are some great spells that work much better with an ear in the mix.
Buffy: That's one fun little hobby you've got there, Will.
- "Pangs" 


Willow:You're not gonna jokey your way out of this. 
- "Pangs" 


Willow:Ah, I miss the free hot dogs on a stick. 
- "Pangs" 


Willow:Very, diggy. 
- "Pangs" 


Willow: Everyone's gettin' spanked but me. 
- "The I in Team" 


Willow: I used to just assume we'd be roomies through grad school and into little old ladyhood--you know, cheating at Bingo together and forgetting to take our pills.
- "The Yoko Factor" 


Willow:And why is there a cowboy in Death of a Salesman, anyway? 
- "Restless" 


Season 5 


Xander: "I'm exhausted just looking at those two. All this splashing and jumping and running... shouldn't relaxing involve less exertion?"
Anya: "Absolutely. Exertion can lead to sweatiness."
Tara: "Which can cause the pain and heartbreak of stinkiness. Better to just stay put."
Willow: "I think we've just put our finger on why we're the sidekicks." 
- "Buffy vs. Dracula" 


Willow: "Game over?"
Riley: "Buffy slayed the football."
- "Buffy vs. Dracula" 


Willow: "Ignis incende."
Buffy: "Willow, check you out. Witch-fu."
Willow: "It's no big. You just have to balance the elements, so when you affect one, you don't wind up causing... (rain starts) I didn't do it, I didn't do it!"
- "Buffy vs. Dracula" 


Willow: "There you go. All set."
Giles: "Thank you, Willow. Obstinate bloody machine simply refused to work for me."
Willow: "Just call me the computer whisperer."
- "Buffy vs. Dracula" 


Willow: "Now that I know there's something to know, I can't not know, just because I'm afraid somebody will know I know. You know?"
Giles: "Did that mean yes?"
- "Buffy vs. Dracula" 


Willow: "Xand, what if somebody has a secret, and that somebody promised somebody else that they wouldn't tell anyone...?"
Xander: "News flash, Will, everybody knows."
Willow: "No, this isn't about me and Tara."
Xander: "Oh, well. Not that I wouldn't be all ears if you wanted to tell me a secret about you two. Even if it was very, very naughty."
Willow: "Sorry, this is the non-naughty variety."
- "Buffy vs. Dracula" 


Tara: "You thought Dracula was sexy?"
Willow: "Oh, no. He, he was... yuch."
Anya: "Right, except for the whole tall, dark, and handsome thing... yucko."
- "Buffy vs. Dracula" 


Willow: "Well, I think we have Dracula factoids."
Xander: "Like any of that's enough to fight the Dark Master." (everyone looks at him)
Xander: "--bator."
Willow: "A lot of it we already knew. Turn-offs: wood, fire, crosses, garlic. Turn-ons: nice duds, minions, long slow bites that last for days."
- "Buffy vs. Dracula" 


Xander: "It's nothing. Just a scratch."
Willow: "Two deep, puncture-y scratches."
- "Buffy vs. Dracula" 


Joyce: "He seemed so nice and normal. A little pale..."
Willow: "A good Sunnydale rule-of-thumb? Avoid white-skinned men in capes." 
- "Buffy vs. Dracula" 


Willow (to Giles): But what about the rest of us? We still need to be watched! Personally, I can't get through a day without a little hairy eyeball.
- "Buffy vs. Dracula" 


Willow: "Buffy, you're developing a work ethic!"
Buffy: "Oh, no. Do they make an ointment for that?" 
- "Real Me" 


Buffy: "But Giles said that it just was..."
Willow: "The hell with Giles!"
Giles: "I can hear you, Willow." 
- "Real Me" 


Buffy: "What happened to 'People gotta respect a work ethic'?"
Willow: "Other people, not me. There's a whole best-friend loophole." 
- "Real Me" 


Willow: We'll walk down this hall, and we'll say, "La la, I'm on my way to Xander's."
- "The Replacement" 


Willow: Oh, there's a microwave! It would be like having hot and cold running popcorn.
- "The Replacement" 


Willow: No. We each had a Xander. I mean ... you didn't have a Xander, you had a, a demon in a Xander suit.
- "The Replacement" 


Willow: I don't know. If you ask me, the newt name still means something. 
- "Out of My Mind" 


Xander: What's with the hand move? Does that like mean something? 
Willow: It's code. I think it breaks down to "choo-choo".
- "Fool For Love" 


Willow: That was pretty cool. Except the part where I was all terrified and ... and now my knees are all dizzy.
- "Listening to Fear" 


Willow: Care package! Special delivery for the Summers girls. Now, let's see what I have in this sack of mine. Oh, I feel just like Santa Claus, except thinner and younger and female and, well, Jewish. This (to Dawn) is an extra-special gift for your mom, that I know she'll need. A beer hat! See, i-it's got cup holders, and a straw that goes directly into your mouth, and (to Joyce) you can fill it with other stuff than beer. And somehow, when I was in the store this seemed like the most important idea ( and now there's the whole part where I'm crazy.
- "Listening to Fear" 


Willow: I don't wanna be the one who finds the bodies any more.
- "Listening to Fear" 


Willow: We can come by between classes! Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens ... but it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane.
- "Triangle" 


Willow: Anya, it's what you do. You spent what, a thousand years hurting men? You got your "thousand years of hurting men" gold watch.
- "Triangle" 


Buffy: Maybe it's time to start a new tradition. Birthdays without boyfriends. It could be just as much fun.
Willow: Preaching to the choir here, baby. 
- "Blood Ties" 


Buffy: Poor Will. Still getting those headaches?
Willow: Fewer and further between, but...yep, they're still exercising their visitation rights.
- "Crush" 


Willow: Those darn Salem judges. With their less-satanic-than-thou attitude.
Tara: Oh, honey, let's change it. The Discovery channel has koala bears.
- "Intervention" 


Willow: Try anything stupid like payback and I will get very cranky. Am I clear?
- "The Weight of the World" 


Xander: Smart chicks are soooo hot. (looking fondly at Anya)
Willow: You couldn't have figured that out in tenth grade?
- "The Gift" 


Buffy: Will, what do you got for me?
Willow: Some ideas. Well, notions. Or, theories based on wild speculation. Did I mention I'm not good under pressure?
Buffy: I need you, Will. You're my big gun.
Willow: (alarmed) I'm your - no, I-I was never a gun. Someone else should be the gun. I, I could be a, a cudgel. Or, or a pointy stick.
- "The Gift" 


Tara: Willow ... I got so lost.
Willow: I found you.
- "The Gift" 





Season 6



Willow: Try to drive him toward the Van Elton crypt.
Tara: Is that the one with the cute little gargoyle?
- "Bargaining" 


Willow: I was trying to program in some new puns, and I kind of ended up with word salad. (about Buffybot)
- "Bargaining" 


Willow: I think there's a clog-eating monster under the bed. It's really those lesser-known monsters that make living in Sunnydale so hard.
- "Bargaining" 


Tara: You doing okay?
Willow: Besides terror about today and a general feeling of impending doom? Swell.
- "Bargaining" 


Willow: Oh, you got butterflies, baby?
Tara: More like bats.
Anya: You want to look at the money? I find it always calms me.
- "Bargaining" 


Willow: Well, you should get going. Don't you have a life or something?
Giles: I suppose that's the question, really.
- "Bargaining" 


Willow: It was right, though, wasn't it? Giving him the no-tears send off? I mean, we don't want him going off all worried about us.
Anya: He'd still be all worried, just eight hours ahead.
- "Bargaining" 


Willow: Xander, it's not a bug. It's Tara.
Xander: And how long have you known that your girlfriend's Tinkerbell?
- "Bargaining" 


Tara: You thought she'd say thanks... be more grateful.
Willow: Would I be a terrible person if I said yes?
- "Afterlife" 


Tara: Maybe we dreamed it.
Willow: Right, right. Wrong -- different brains.
- "Afterlife" 


Dawn: Man! How much water can they fit in one set of pipes?
Tara: If I understand right: the entire city water supply.
Willow: It's like little clown cars at the circus.
- "Flooded" 


Willow: Buffy, I know you're still getting back on your feet after...
Buffy: Lying flat on my back?
- "Flooded" 


Willow: Hey, Buffy! You're mad!
Buffy: You noticed. It'll pass.
Willow: No! Anger is a big powerful emotion! You should feel!
Buffy: Well, that's good then. ... Done.
Willow: Well then let me make you mad again... ready? Um? Last semester? I slept with Riley.
Buffy: And you know, I really doubt it.
Willow: Caught me. Big fib... to cover up the sleazy affair I had with Angel!
- "Flooded" 


Giles: So, tell me about the spell you performed.
Willow: Oh, first of all? *So* scary! I mean the Blair Witch would have had to watch like this! (peeks between fingers) And this giant snake came out of my mouth. And there was all this energy crackling. And this pack of demons interrupted, but I *totally* kept it together. And then, next thing you know -- Buffy!
- "Flooded" 


Willow:You're right. The Magicks I used are incredibly powerful. I'm incredibly powerful. And maybe it's not such a good idea for you to piss me off. 
- "Flooded" 


Willow: I could whip up a jaunty self-cleaning incantation. It'll be like Fantasia. 
Giles: And we all know how splendidly that turned out for Mickey. 
Willow: I think I'm a little more adept than a cartoon mouse.
Tara: And you have more fingers, which is good 'cause then there's no need to wear those big white gloves to over-compensate.
- "All the Way" 


Willow: Hard to believe such a hot mama-yama came from humble, geek-infested roots.
Tara: Infested roots. Trying to turn me on?
Willow: I have to try now?
- "All the Way" 


Willow: It's where I'd be if I were 15 and on the lam. 
Tara: Really? 
Willow: Well, not me at 15. Cause, hello? Spaz.
- "All the Way" 


Willow: I'm a breast girl myself. But then again, you knew that.
- "Life Serial" 


Willow: The trick is to get in the rhythm. Kinda go with the flow.
Buffy: Flow-going would be a lot easier if your classmates weren't such big brains!
- "Life Serial" 


Willow: You're not dumb, just rusty!
Buffy: Maybe I should ease back in with some non-taxing classes, like Introduction to Pies, or maybe Advanced Walking.
- "Life Serial" 


Willow: We did a whole duet about dish washing. 
- "Once More With Feeling" 


Willow: There was an entire verse about the cous-cous. 
- "Once More With Feeling" 


Xander: Okay, who are you freaks?
Willow: You don't know me?
Xander: Not a clue.
Willow: But you were just all like, "Oh, hey."
Xander: Yeah, 'cause I thought you were a girl and I'd remember, but...
Willow: (checks breasts) Well, I AM a girl.
- "Tabula Rasa" 


Willow: I'm Willow Rosenberg. Huh, Willow. Funny name.
Tara: I think it's nice.
- "Tabula Rasa" 


Willow: How you doin', Dawn?
Dawn: I'm okay. It's scary, but weirdly, kinda familiar.
Willow: I know what you mean.
Dawn: How are you?
Willow: A little confused. I mean, I'm all sweaty, and trapped, no memory, hiding in a pipe from a vampire... and I think I'm kinda gay.
- "Tabula Rasa" 


Willow: What's the matter, Amy? You lonely? We need to get you a nice companion rat that you can love, play with and grow attached to, until one day they leave you for no good reason. Won't that be fun?
- "Smashed" 


Amy: Just, you know... Everything feels weird. I mean, it's like... I felt I was in that cage for WEEKS. But it can still be okay, right? I can still get into the swing of things. Like, prom's coming up. I was so hoping Larry would ask me. We would make such a splash at... Oh, Oh, god. He hasn't asked someone else, has he?
Willow: Uh, Amy. Three things we need to talk about: 1- Larry's gay. 2- Larry's dead. And 3- high school's kinda over.
- "Smashed" 


Buffy: How you doin'?
Willow: Oh, okay.
Buffy: Yeah?
Willow: Yeah. Not parades and cotton candy, but okay.
- "Smashed" 


Willow: I keep expecting her to do, like, ratty stuff. You know, licking her hands clean, shredding newspaper, leaving little pellets in the corner...
Buffy: Let's definitely not leave her alone in the house too long.
- "Smashed" 


Amy: I wish there was a way that I could make him forget about the last three years.
Willow: Oh, well, hey, I can help you with that! Only, you might want to sew your name into your clothes first or something.
- "Smashed" 


Willow: I know, Xander engaged. I couldn't believe it either.
Amy: It's just so weird. So, what's she like?
Willow: Thousand-year-old capitalist ex-demon with rabbit-phobia.
Amy: Well, that's so his type.
- "Smashed" 


Willow: Or you could do it the hard way.
Dawn: Spatulas are for wimps.
- "Wrecked" 


Willow: So, the burger was good, you liked it?
Dawn: Are you kidding? It was like a meat party in my mouth. Okay, now, I'm just a kid, and even *I* know that came out wrong.
- "Wrecked" 


Willow: Magic wasn't all great. I won't miss the nosebleeds and the headaches and stuff.
Buffy: There you go.
Willow: Or keeping stinky yak cheese in my bra. Don't ask.
- "Wrecked" 





Season 7 

Willow: When you brought me here, I thought it was to kill me. Or to lock me in some mystical dungeon for all eternity, or ... with the torture. (frowns) Instead, you ... go all Dumbledore on me. (Giles smiling a little) I'm learning about magic, all about energy and Gaia and root systems...
Giles: Do you want to be punished?
Willow: (softly) I wanna be Willow. 
Giles:: You are. In the end, we all are who we are ... no matter how much we may appear to have changed.
- "Lessons" 



Willow: Welcome home, me.
- "Same Time, Same Place" 



Anya: This isn't gonna get all sexy, is it?
Willow: I'd be shocked. 
- "Same Time, Same Place" 



Willow: Facing my fear. I'm facing my fear... Hear that fear? I'm facing you. 
- "Showtime" 



Willow: Last time I tried a spell... The First... it... had me. Got inside. I felt it. In every fiber of my being. Pure, undiluted evil. I could taste it. 
Kennedy: (pauses) How's evil taste? 
Willow: A little chalky. 
- "Showtime" 



Willow: (to Kennedy) You know Buffy? Sweet girl, not that bright... 
- "Chosen" 



Willow: Ok, magic time. Are you ready to... heh, heh... kill me? 
Kennedy: Starting to be. 
Willow: Good... fun. 
- "Chosen" 



Willow: (after nearly passing out after the big spell) Ha! That was nifty! 
- "Chosen" 




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